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Jokes
Feb 10, 2010 15:34:55 GMT -5
Post by Shadow_kow on Feb 10, 2010 15:34:55 GMT -5
A DEA officer stops at a ranch in South Dakota , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.
The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish, on any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "
The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores..
A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running his life, chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull.......
With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge! Show him your BADGE!"
and DJ
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Jokes
Feb 11, 2010 18:49:43 GMT -5
Post by Deege on Feb 11, 2010 18:49:43 GMT -5
And DJ! I think that's the best part.
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Jokes
Feb 17, 2010 14:44:41 GMT -5
Post by Shadow_kow on Feb 17, 2010 14:44:41 GMT -5
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from Los Angeles to New York.
The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game. The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.
The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun.
He says, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me five dollars, and vice versa."
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep.
The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question: "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?"
The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill, and hands it to the lawyer.
"Okay," says the lawyer, "your turn."
She asks, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?"
The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references ... no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the Internet and the Library of Congress ... no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers but to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500.
The blonde thanks him and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, stirs the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?"
Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
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Jokes
Feb 21, 2010 11:07:36 GMT -5
Post by Travice on Feb 21, 2010 11:07:36 GMT -5
So there is these two Texans named Jim and Bob who are very good friends. Jim says to Bob one day, "I want to get an education" and Bob says, "That's great; I will support you in any way I can, so that you can get educated." Jim likes that, so he heads down to the local community college the next day.
Jim meets with the guidance counselor, and he does very well in his interview. The guidance counselor says, "You can start next semester Jim; I am sign you up for classes in Math, History, English, and Logic." Jim says, "Logic? What is that?"
The guidance counselor says, "Here let me give you can example; Jim tell me do you have a law mower?" Jim says, "Yes, that's right," and the counselor goes on says, "If you have a lawn mower, I assume you have yard." Jim nods in agreement, while counselor says, "If you have yard, I assume you have a house," Jim says, "Golly, that's right,", and then the counselor says, "If you have a house, then you must have a wife and kids." Jim is astounded; finally, the counselor says, "If you have a wife and kids, you must be a heterosexual." Jim says, "Well darn it, that's right."
Jim leaves after that, and he feels great about what he had accomplished. He decides to celebrate his admittance with Bob at a local bar that night. At the bar, Bob asks, "How did the interview go?", and Jim says, "It was great; I am enrolled in Math, History, English, and Logic." Bob says, "Logic? What's that?" Jim says, "Let me show you; do you own a lawnmower?"
Bob says, "No, I don't", and then Jim responds by saying, "Well then, you must be a homosexual."
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Jokes
Feb 25, 2010 9:27:10 GMT -5
Post by Shadow_kow on Feb 25, 2010 9:27:10 GMT -5
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Jokes
Mar 4, 2010 13:09:58 GMT -5
Post by Shadow_kow on Mar 4, 2010 13:09:58 GMT -5
I can not belive that dj is charging $500 for a handjob...
A man in need of some sexual gratification walks the streets of Vegas to find a prostitute. Coming across one late at night the man asks, "How much do you charge?"
"It starts at $500 for a hand job."
The man was totally blown away, and he got kind of pissed. "$500 dollars!? For a hand job!? Holy crap! No hand job is worth that kind of money!"
She then told him, "Do you see that Denny's on the corner?"
"Yes."
"Do you see the Denny's about a block further down?"
"Yes."
"And beyond that, do you see that third Denny's?"
"Yes."
"Well," she said, smiling, "I own those. And I own them because I give a hand job that's worth $500."
The man couldn't believe his ears. He gets sex quite often so why would he pay this much for a hand job? He thought about it and decided "What the hell! You only live once." so he gave it a try.
They went back to his room at The Venetian. Twenty minutes later he was sitting on the bed, realizing that he has just experienced the hand job of a lifetime, worth every bit of the five hundred he paid. He was so amazed, he asked, "I suppose a blow job is $1,000?"
"$1,500."
"I wouldn't pay that for a blow job!"
She said, "step over here to the window, big boy. Do you see that casino just across the street? I own that casino outright. And I own it because I give a blow job that's worth every cent of $1,500."
The man, still sitting there in total disbelief over the hand job, said, "Sign me up, but let's go down and gamble a bit and then come up and go for round two."
They go down and play craps and he hits the casino for the cost of the BJ — and some more. And three hours after the mind-blowing hand job, he is sitting on the bed more amazed than before. He can scarcely believe it. Top BJ of his life — better than any BJ he's ever gotten, so he asks: "How much for some pussy?"
The hooker said, "Come over here to the window, I want to show you something. Do you see the whole city of Las Vegas…laid out before us? All those beautiful lights, gambling palaces, and shows?
The man readies himself for the number. He knows it's gonna be big, so huge he just wanted to know so he could laugh about it later.
"Well", the prostitute said, "If I had a pussy, I'd own it all."
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